Monday, March 31, 2003

Why is there so much pain?

Laughing in a world of love.

Wishing to be alone.

Can there be more joy than my childrens hugs?

Why the evils of the world are many?

Silient good abounds in every place.

Good and evil are wed to one another.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Why is the pain throughout my soul and body?
What character flaw has grown in me like cancer deep,
The Fathers hidden light allows my suffr'ng all too gladly,
For character has been built for future strength allowed to reap.

My being has no wishing in the future of my soul,
For futures have no rhyme or reason no longer will attend,
For now I'm here with pain so cruel and in control,
The past has gone, the future not found, never seems to bend.

But through the pain I see the end is near,
An end thats neither good or bad but is to be,
A rebirth of living and loving, an end of fear,
New life, the unexpected, the pure joy of love I see.

For the beauty that is the God of life,
Shall ever be held within each little strife.

its just before dawn,
I feel anxious about the coming of the light,
What pain will it bring?
What joy?
Who will question me?
Who will expect things from me?
Will I get through it?
Only time will tell.
Then I will sleep.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Trying to connect again,
I feel as if I am somewhat less than me,
somewhat less than in this reality.
I actually enjoyed the day today,
still in pain,
But I could smell the grass starting to grow,
I cannot get the cherry blossoms in Newark out of my mind,
100 times better than Washington DC,
and about as safe a neighborhood.
Looking toward the future is a good sign I guess.
we'll see
The pain is seperating me from my friends and family.
They ask;

"How are you feeling?"

I have no words for them, they all fall short.
They don't really want to know anyways.
What they are really asking is;

"Are you going to be able to support us by doing everything that you normally do?

What can I say?
I will keep going as long as I can.
No longer,
No shorter,
With a smile on my face.
And pain in my heart.

Who is it that says most which can say more
Than this rich praise- That you alone are you,

He that writes of you, if he can tell
That you are you, so dignifies his story.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003


I wish it would go

My friend

My intimate

its time to go.

Fading away

Death is sweet,
but for only those who can't see the blessings of life.

Through the pain and agony of living we see the beauty of the world,

Happiness eludes the eye,
spying out of the corner of my eye, the smile I used to have,
in my dreams I smoke cigarrettes and take drugs and then the happiness of life stares me in the eye.
shut the door to perception and you shut out all thats good as well as bad,
shut down,
tune out,
I don't want that!
I don't want to shut out the world.
I want to stare at life and have it stare back at me,
but everytime I turn and look I only catch a glimpse before it spins out of my line of vision.
So much to live for,
so much to want for,
so much to love the death of pain,
the death of caring.
what options will come,
when will I stare life in the eye.

Hello from the house of pain:

I have begun to accept as permenant the pain that I am living with.
My mind trying to deal with my body not working.
Things I have to give up
Going for hikes in the woods
playing tag with my kids
swimming in the ocean
playing volleyball

Monday, March 24, 2003

drinking,smoking,choking,Heimlich manuver,first aid,
cpr,heart beat,regae beat,rap beat,beat the kids,
hug the kids,kiss the kids,be nice,be happy,besad,
who cares,at all,sun shining,clouds rolling,kite flying,
peacefull moments,no worries,calm,patient,easy,slow
,light headed,elated,ecstatic,laughing,jokeing,giggling
,reeling,sides hurting,pain,ache,hurt,death,blood,
Top 45 Oxymorons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
Spring has come and I can't enjoy it.

The birds are singing and I can't hear them,

The Earth has thawed but I can't feel it,

My children play outside and I can't see them.

When will my spring come?
Just posted a link to review "Just war Theory"
This has been the agreed upon theory to figure out if a given war is just.
It was developed by St. Augustine and has been accepted by
secular philosophies around the world and throughout the years.
I leave it top you to use the theory and come up with an opinion on
whether the present War is justified.
Taking it easy,
The Doctor told me to.
Sitting playing cards with friends,
When the chair disintegrates out from under me!
I am in so much pain.
My entire body hurts.
Why me?
When will it end?
Soon I hope.
I pray.


Sunday, March 23, 2003

The heart asks pleasure first,
And then, excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering;

And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.



Saturday, March 22, 2003

Too many thoughts rush through my head,
The pain killers making me think,
Yet not letting me remember long enough to do anything with them,

Good Night,

Sleep well.

See you tomorrow


America at War

"The outcome is not in doubt"

A young couple are buying their first house,
and arguing over which room will be the nursery.

"We have taken Basra."

Driving down route 3 east,
Over a rise and there on the horizon,
The Empire state building rising majestically over the New York skyline.

"Shock and Awe"

A woman sitting on her couch watching the old Bob Newhardt show
On T.V. land

"The fastest moving front line in
the history of warfare."

An old German couple listening to Brahms.

"Iraqi's welcoming U.S. forces."

A man who is fixing up his house that is suddenly to big for him because of his recent divorce.

"Iraq has lit a ring of fire around Bahgdad."

Ali-el-Assad served me a falafel with a smile in downtown Paterson.

"The strategy of Vertical Envelopment."

Two men loading up their Golf clubs and heading off for the club.

"Four Marines die in an ambush."

A young college student moving into an apartment with a High definition TV, computer and very nice stereo.

"Ninety percent of the bombs dropped on Bahgdad were smart bombs, I hope the other ten percent were at least clever ones."

A woman driving with her mirrors pointed at herself, talking on her cell phone and fixing her hair at the same time.

"Saddaam is dead."

Two Chinese girls practicing Lacrosse in the driveway.

"Saddaam is alive."

A guy detailing his car and a puppy getting in the way.

"Saddaam is nowhere to be found."

War is hell.
Through all the pain and suffering,
With virus's and deaths,
Finacial woes and war,
I am blessed.
Blessed with two of the most loving children,
Blessed with a wife who loves and aids me.
Blessed with friends I have never met!

Last night a troubled kid in the neighborhood,
came to me for help,
His Father a raging drunk,
Who does not feed him,
Does not love him.

I am blessed with the food to feed him,
A couch for him to sleep,
A house to hold him,
A heart to love him.
I am truly blessed.

Friday, March 21, 2003

Wishing I were anywhere but here,
Wishing I were not in pain,
Wishing I were anyone but me,
Wishing I were not who I am.
There is a purety to pain,
It is my pain and noone elses,
I feel as if I am going through a spiritual transformation,
What is that going to be?
I do not know,
I feel the change coming,
Through the pain,
an enlightenment?
Peach sponged walls surround me,
As I sit in a smal pateccerie..
A small table, no one else in the place,
I have a pot of pear/caramel tea and this piece of paper,
In the air Jazz softly playing..
The insanity of the world is far away,
The pain inside me is somewhat subdued,
Am I dying?
Who cares?
THe woman who served me the tea,
looks like she is from western Europe,
she is around 60 years old and looks older in her face,
She wears a scarf on her head and an old sweater whos best years have past.
SHe looks as if she has seen all of the worlds insanity,
experienced it,
Tasted it,
and now serves tea,
and is happy.
Far from her past and pain,
We can have no idea what she has gone thru,
What her pain has been,
I bet she smiles and laughs to herself,
when people complain about how expensive the Cappucino is,
or How bad the traffic is and,
How much their jobs suck.
They have no idea.
As I paid the bill I said
"Beautiful day today isn't it?"
She said,
"Yes it is."
We smiled and I went back into the insanity and pain.
I fell down the stairs the other day,
With my CMV, sometimes my muscles don't work right,
Now I am bleeding inside a little,
Probably should go to the Dr's
Maybe today
Spring is coming,
I can feel it.
Through the cold and snow and ice
I can smell it.
Renewing the world,
A new start on an old life,
Spring is coming,
I can hear it,
I hear it in the hopefull words people say,
I hear it in the wind,
Spring is coming.
Sooner than we think.

The world comes together to decide to disagree on war,
Two parties fight over who won an election,
Neighbors argue over whose tree can be cut down,
Children fight to see who's king of the hill,
A man fights with his wife over the credit card bill,
One person sits alone in a room and battles himself,
Nearly to the death,
Whether to smoke or not.
We condemn conflict,
yet we are conflict,
We are human.

Thursday, March 20, 2003

Up late tonight.
Usually in bed by now.
I like to get up just before the sun.
That quiet time when everything is still and quiet,
When my mind can think no thoughts and my body is not rushing to and fro,
With that I think I will go to sleep now,
So that the morning will come all the faster.
THey are fleeing and giving themselves up by the truckload.
Why am I still nervous about whats going to happen?
Why can't I stop watching the news as they repeat and repeat themselves?


The journey never ends.
Is that the end of the road?
or is it just the beginning of another?



Passing many people along the way,
Walk with me,
Talk with me,

Share my journey..........Are you going my way?
I walk slowly................Do you run?
I stay to the right..........Which side do you?

The evening grows on us.
The shadows very long,
I am tired,
I think I'll sleep,
You go on, I'll stay here.


Sweet dreams.

As the sun rises,........Your still there!

Good morning,

Lets go.
The war has started,
I'm anxious,
Yet I just sit here watching cable news,
I feel impotent,
Why are they fighting for me?
Why are they fighting?
Spring is coming on strong,
I saw a Robin yesterday, thats a sure sign, right?
People were outside without coats on
and I smelled the grass and the mud,
Surely this means spring, right?
The wind blew in smells I had forgotten
about through the long bitter winter,
In the winter smells don't seem to travel far,
I smell spring,
I heard spring in the Robins song,
I see spring in the clothes people are wearing,
But I just cannot shake the feeling of winter,
Inside me it is still cold and desolate,
Maybe spring will happen inside me today.
Maybe the thaw will come?